Broken but not done.

So... This is something that just came to me the other day and I started writing. I guess it stemmed from a number of things. The main thing it came from was who I once was. Just being lost and on the verge of being gone. God reached out to me and I took his hand. Even the person who is broken into a million pieces can be put back together. God can heal. You are never to far off to experience the love of God. I experienced that love... No I am experiencing that love. So read and let me know what ya'll think. (: Thank you. 

 Heaven Slaughter                                                                                     1-19-2013

Broken but not done.

            You cry out for help and get no answer. That’s what the world does to you. You cry out for help and you get answers, but more then that you get, hope, peace, love, comfort, eternal life, and so much more. That’s what God does for you.

            She cried out for weeks wondering if anyone heard her. She turned to her teachers by writing papers that should strike concern. No answer. She turned to her church, the ones who should lift her up to the Lord. Instead they shut her out and made her feel like a fool. She turned to her friends at school. Surely they would care enough to help. They all walked by without even thinking twice about the tears streaming down her face. She turned to her best friend. In that she found someone who cared. Someone who brought encouragement, but she feared hurting her friend. They had both had a tough few weeks and she didn’t want to bring her down with her. So she turned to her own way out. She turned to the razor to dismiss the pain, even if only for a moment. She turned to the drugs that had helped her at one point in her life. The ones that made her feel lifeless and at ease even if only for a night.

            Her life started to fall apart in her hands. She didn’t know what to do, or where to go. She tried all of these things searching for an answer. She longed to feel how she once felt. She once felt peace, hope, joy, love and ease. She felt like there was a place for her in this crazy sphere we call world. Where had that gone? Had she really fallen so far and so hard from whom she was a month ago. She was broken and living a life full of regret. She wasn’t any happier, if anything she felt worse then ever. She knew that she was the person she feared the most. She had become the past version of herself. The version that didn’t know our Savior. She knew this but still she struggled to find that hope again. The scars on her wrist made her feel like God could never love her again. The drugs under her mattress made her feel like she was alone. How could God possibly love someone who disobeyed him time and time again? Someone who knew what she was doing was wrong but did nothing to stop herself. She lies on the bathroom floor with a razor to her wrist. She kept saying, ‘He will never love me now” “I have nothing to live for anymore, The world is better off without me.” She truly felt this way.

            She puts the razor to her wrist and begins to cut deeper and deeper. She can feel herself fading fast. A bright light flashes before her eyes and she is in awe. What could this light be? Is this how it all ends. Follow the light and she leaves the world forever. Through the light a strong hand reaches down to her. From behind her fire begins and another hand is reached out to her. From the hand in the light she hears trumpets and angels calling her name. Calling for her to grab the hand reaching out. From the hand through the fire she feels heat and death. She knew that if she took the fiery hand then what she wanted would become true. She would no longer be in the world. If she took the hand out of the light she would get a second chance to right the wrongs she had done. The light and fire was fading fast and she knew she had to make a decision. Did she really want to be gone forever? Never seeing her parents, brothers, best friend ever again. Tears begin to swell in her eyes. How could she leave them all behind? Then the light produced a picture. She recognized the girl instantly. It was her best friend. The one who had cared for her. The one who had helped her and brought her encouragement. She was dubbed over on the floor with tears streaming down her face. Behind her was her two little brothers who stood motionless. Like they were frozen in the moment. Above them were her parents. They looked down at something. Her mom was crying into her fathers solider and her father stood motionless as her little brothers. What were they all looking at? Then the picture moves and she understands now. It was her lying on the floor. Not breathing, not moving.

            Instantly she screamed out “I don’t want to die!” and at that moment she grabbed the hand out of the light and went with it. She was instantly drawn into the chest of a loving man. She now understood that it was Jesus holding her, keeping her alive. She lay in His arms crying, shaking, shivering, and screaming. How could she have let herself get to this point. Was she even alive anymore? Or was she now going to be seated with God forever. She was not ready to leave all the ones she loved the most behind. She was not ready to give up the fight. She asked Jesus to heal her and give her life back again. She promised to do it right this time. Instantly her prayers were answered and she awoke once again. Her eyes open and what does she see? Her best friend standing over her, holding her hand. She is crying but a smile begins to form through the tears. On the other side of her is her mother, and father. They are holding each other as well as her. They are both crying now, and kissing her cheeks. At the end of her bed stands her two little brothers. They are no longer motionless but holding tightly to one another and smiling. At that moment she realized where she had gone wrong a month ago. She never let go and let God. She tried to heal her pain on her own. When all she had to do was pray to God to take the pain.

            Don’t rely on what the world has to say to you. Rely on what God has to say. The world will tear you apart and make you feel worse then you already had. God can heal you and bring you peace. Don’t try to fix the pain on your own. Let go and Let God. 

At times It may feel like you are to far gone to ever be loved like once before. The truth is God never stops loving us. He never stops forgiving us. Life is tough and tears us apart. God picks us back up. Never feel like you are alone. Never feel like no one cares. God is always near to the broken hearted. Lean twords him and grab hold of the hands outstretched before you. Take comfort in His lap and find that light that you once shone so brightly. 

God bless <3 

Love,

Heaven Slaughter   

Patience

Okay... So I do not know how many of you reading this are patient people.. I can tell you that I am not. I'm one of those who whats things to happen quick. Here is an example the day after I sent my application to Dallas Baptist University I started waiting outside by the mail box waiting on an answer. I knew that it was not coming but I was, and still am growing more impatient for it. 

That impatient nature that I have harms me during times of trouble. For those of you keeping up with this blog this, can probably tell that I haven't had the best of weeks. That impatient nature started to grow into anger and wrath and I started to not feel like myself. I knew something had to change. I was praying for a change, I prayed for the pain to end. I prayed all these things and I anticipated an answer right away. I preach to the kids at S.W.A.G how God works things out in His own time not in ours. I had to keep reflecting on that this week. When I finally took a breath and let God work I found my prayers answered. 

Today was not the best day, I was frustrated and angry and to be completely honest I had no idea why. Maybe it was the jokes and comments I was getting from others all week. Maybe it was that I was stressed about collage classes starting up. Maybe it was that I wasn't giving God full control. Whatever the cause I was beginning to feel like a different person. The person I'm not proud of, the one who made harmful mistakes to herself as well as other. I was becoming the past version of myself that I feared. That's when I gave it to God and said "here I cant do it anymore. If I continue trying to do it myself I will fail." and God answered that cry. 

I had no intentions on attending youth group last night. I was frustrated and upset. I had a college meeting that same evening. I don't know I came up with many excuses as to why I did not want to attend. All were wrong reasons. Then my best friend texted me asking if she could go to youth group at my church with me that night. I thought for a few seconds and instantly said yes. Living in different towns and going to different schools we don't get to see one another as often as we would like. So any chance to hang out I will take. 

At that time I did not know that God was using Dallas to be a blessing to me that day, and to answer my prayers. Going to church that night eased me. It brought me peace and lifted my hope once again. We studied Romans 12 and one verse stuck out to me more then any other. 

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.

Romans 12:12

When our youth pastor said that verse I nearly began to cry. I bowed my head and said thank you. I felt peace, happiness, hope, and love all over again. WOW.... I was speechless and to be honest I still am. I am in awe of God and his ability to instantaneously bring me peace. 

Later that night I realized that I was not the only one God touched through that verse and through church yesterday night. God has also brought my best friend that hope that I didn't even know she needed. I got so caught up in my own problems that I did not realize the struggles my bestie was going through. That night talking to her it felt good to get some things off my chest and once again God shines through our friendship. 

God knows what we need to bring us ease and peace. He knew that my best friend is the one I needed to help me and to calm me. He worked through her to help me. He is amazing in that way. 

Today was so amazing <3 I have not had a day like today in a long time. It's like no matter what people did or said to me I smiled. I showed them that God will answer my prayers and bring me the hope I need. I showed that He is in me and I will not fall. 

Whenever you are feeling down let Gods blessing reach you. Don't try to handle things on your own. If you do you will only grow bitter and angry. God does answer prayers we just have to wait for His time. He knows what you need to restore that joy and hope and He will bring it to you when you let go and let God. Do not be afraid to cry out to God. He already knows what is going on in your life and He will answer prayers. Believe and have faith. Never lose that hope that gets you through the day. Lean on God! 

God bless <3

Love, 

Heaven April

Day by day

Some days are easier than others. I've experienced a lot of pain from the last few months of my junior year until right now, the middle of my senior year. Most of that pain has stemmed from one man. I know the only thing that keeps me going sometimes is my faith in God and his amazing unconditional love. That love is what gets me through when the days become tough. 

I sometimes get in this mood where I fell I can't take much more. It seems like every move I make is wrong. You know when you get so tired of everything that you begin to break? That's how I have felt. Like I stated in previous post I'm not one to let others in. I'd rather keep my problems and pain to myself. That leads to days like today and yesterday. Where it all becomes to much and I begin to hit that point of breaking down. 

Today I was sitting in Journalism class just staring at the screen. I had my headphones on but no music playing. The picture on the screen was the page for S.W.A.G in our yearbook, that I am designing. I had my bible out next to me looking up scripture to include on the page. I was sitting in the corner alone and that gave me to much room to think. I sat there staring at the screen and I could feel tears rushing to my eyes. I had to do something to stop them, because I knew once they started that I wouldn't be able to stop them. Quickly I just glance at a scripture that was open in my bible that I had highlighted. I honestly couldn't tell you what the verse said all I know is that I instantly felt peace when I read it. Its like God knew that I was on the verge of a breakdown and He did something about it.

That's the unconditional love that keeps me going. That even in my weakest times God shows me his strength and gives me little moment of peace. That little moment is what I needed to get me through the day. The rest of the day was still a little tough, but that moment of clarity, that moment of hope, peace, love was what got me through. That, I felt, was God showing me that everything was going to be okay. That was God showing his unconditional love and his strength. 

I will have days when I feel lost or hopeless. When I feel like every move I make, breath I take is wrong. We all have days like that. During those days we need to look for God's little reassurances. He felt that I was on the edge of an emotional breakdown, and He pulled me back in. That's what God does. He takes the broken, the lost, the hungry, and draws them near.

All I can do is take life day by day and let God work in me and through me. He has bestowed on me many wonderful blessings. He has given me that unconditional love that I craved. He gives me strength when I am at my weakest. He gives me power and might to face another day. 

Stay Strong everyone! God is on our side and will get us through the storm! Just believe and look for His blessings during your most troubling times. 

God bless <3 

Love,

Heaven Slaughter 

Is a word really just a word?

So we have all heard the phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words will never hurt me." I find this untrue. Sometimes its words and actions of others that hurt me the most. Sometimes its words and actions of others that help me the most. Words do have an affect on our lives. We may not admit it but I'm sure at one point or another in our lives someones words have gotten us down a little. Right? Maybe its just me, but I like to believe that I'm not alone here. 

Like I said what others say to me and the way they act towards me do have an affect on me. I may not always show it but trust me it hurts. Just today I dealt with friends treating me in a poor manner. You would think by now I would be used to the comments coming from them. All year long they have had this tendency to only be nice to me when they want something from me. Their actions and words do still hurt me. More then they probably know. When they throw paper at your feet and act like you are not in the room it tends to put you down. That's how it was all day today at school for me. It was like national pick on Heaven day. I tried to stay focused on my schoolwork and on my prayers to God, but it still got me down and ruined my day. 

I posted a status on facebook stating how I had a bad day, but that I knew God would bring me peace. A few words of kindness from and old friend turned my whole day around. All she said was I hope it gets better for you and I love you. That brought me that peace I prayed to God all day for. Her simple words made an impact on my day and I don't think she even realizes it. 

A similar incident happened about a month ago. I tend to feel like I'm not enough a lot. I've been compared to others and told that I will never be like them. That hurts. I try to be the best person I and and to live by God's word and to walk with Him. So when I'm told I'm not enough by ones I love dearly it puts a damper on my day. I posted something saying I'm sorry that I'm not enough for you. A few minutes later my friend whom I barley know, and barley knows me, sent me this long message about how in God's eyes I am enough. It was a long message with many words of encouragement. After reading something like that from someone who barley knew me it really turned my day around. 

I have the most amazing best friend a girl could ask for. She sends me random text saying I love you and your a blessing as a friend and you know words of encouragement like that. Its strange because she always sends them at the right time when I'm feeling blue. Its like she knows my thoughts and feelings. My church family has defiantly helped me in times when I felt lost. They say how proud of me they are and how they pray for me. That really makes a difference. I have a family outside of my family who have taken me in and are always sending words of encouragement my way. When the S.W.A.G kids come up to me and say thank you, it gives me the best feeling in the world. Its a feeling like no other and it makes whatever I am going through disappear. 

A word is not just a word. For me words of encouragement are blessings from God. He puts those people in our lives to lift us up when we feel down. Those who He puts in your life to be a blessing to, and those he puts in your life for you to be a blessing to. 

A word is not just a word. A word is love. A word is hate. Chose your words wisely. You never know when your words will send someone to far. You never know when your words will bring someone back from the edge. Words do hurt but they can also heal. 

So. Do word really never hurt you?? 

God bless <3 

Love, 

Heaven Slaughter 

The beginning

I have a fear of letting others in. I have a fear of facing someone and telling them what is wrong with me. I'd rather keep everything to myself, but I've found that in doing that, I hurt myself. So I will use this blog to let out what is inside of me. I will share the blessings and love that God has bestowed upon me. 

I have another blog, some of you may or may not have read it before. If you would like to check it out you can do so by clicking the link below. 

heavensharestheword.blogspot.com

That blog is for sharing Gods word and sometimes I post what he has done in my life. There are many blessings that God gives us. Sometimes its hard to see those blessings when you are too close to the edge. That's how I feel sometimes. I feel that I don't appreciate all that God does for me as I should. I get so caught up inside my own little world that I forget that this is God's life, not my own. 

I don't want to be that person. The person who preaches one way but lives another. I want people to look at me and know that I am walking with Christ just by the actions I make. I want to be an example for the girl who is falling apart and needs to know that someone cares. I don't want to be the girl who is falling apart. I try to be the best possible version of myself that I can be. Sometimes when it feels all is going wrong, its hard for me to be that person. 

I truly believe that if I stop holding in my anger and pain that I would be able to be that version of myself. So I will get those feelings out by telling all of you lovely readers! (: Now I am not going to use this blog for complaining or anything like that. I will speak about my day or week, but I will also tell you the God sightings I have. (For those of you who don't know what God sightings are check out my other blog) I will share the blessings He has put upon me even when I feel all is going wrong. I will share His love with all of you. 

Gods love is amazing and can not be put into words. I see that love everyday, and even though sometimes it gets tough. I know that He is always with me. God never leaves us, guy's! Did ya'll know that?? How amazing is that!!! That even though we are unworthy He still sticks with us! I think its pretty amazing! (: 

So this blog will be to get my feelings out there. I need to get over my fear of letting others in and start letting all you in. Its going to be challenging but Gods blessings, Grace, Mercy and Love deserve to be shared. I want to look like love. I want to be the best possible version of myself and shine Gods light through me. 

So I invite all of you to walk this journey with me as I begin to open up a little. 

God bless <3

Heaven Slaughter